An Honest Reflection on My First Semester @ Baylor University

If I’m being 100% honest, I never thought I’d make it here. I’ve dreamt of attending my dream college, made thousands of “plans for success”, prepared for the day I graduate and start my own business, and called myself ready, prepared, and Independent for years. I’ll be the first to tell you that little to nothing will ACTUALLY prepare you for the day your (seemingly) entire life is flipped upside down. 

March 2019. Everything was finally perfect. I had the friends, the boy, the accolades, the team, the support system, the family, the job, the success, the reputation, the confidence - I thought I had it all. Honestly, I felt like I ruled the world. I was known. I felt like a force to be reckoned with. I was SO fulfilled by the things of this earth - nothing else seemed to matter. June 2019. I was absolutely wrecked by the Father. Laying in my bed in Rwanda the Lord spoke to me and gave me the major wake up call I had been needing for so long. I spent the summer reestablishing my faith and figuring out who I was. August 2019. I was put to the real test. If I lost it all - everything that fulfilled me and everything I “earned,” would Christ be enough? Would I still believe in his goodness? Would I still walk in his confidence? I was a mess. The weeks leading up to my departure to Baylor University - anxiety crippled me and my fears consumed me. I believed that God would see his promises through, I just didn’t trust that he would do so for me. Right now. But hey, you rise & rally. And the Lord is near even when we doubt him. 

First semester, as cliche as it sounds, was a roller coaster. It was filled of sweet moments where I found myself throwing my head back in laughter, pouring my heart out to sweet friends, and where I danced until my legs were sore the next day. I was poured into more than I ever experienced before in my life. Mentors took me under their wing, friends asked me hard questions, and professors loved me as I am. Jesus met me through so many people. The Lord blessed me so well. “God loves to make his Kids happy!!” My disciple, Lexa, frequently reminded me. But, just like any good roller coaster (and I’m thinking like the Hulk @ universal studios or the renegade @ valley fair) there were moments of unbearable loneliness, utter confusion, complete chaos, and insane doubt. Honestly, college isn’t glamorous. It’s easy to make it seem that way. Social media only goes so far in depicting any real experience. First semester was ridden with many tears, lots of phone calls to mom, creeping doubt, low self-esteem, and anxiety about whether or not I was doing the right thing. I doubted my friendships, questioned my involvement, confused purpose with plan, got lost in the motions, and forgot to bring all my worries to the Father. Honestly, I forgot He even cared. I found myself in a position where I was SO knowledgeable about who He is, What He does, and How He works. But I didn’t believe any of it for my life. I didn’t live in a way that let the Lord speak through me, or even to me.  

Endless praises to the God that SEEKS us and PURSUES is and KNOWS us and LOVES us endlessly. Because the moment I started to give up control - the moment I decided to stop letting my thoughts & circumstances dictate my happiness, purpose, and mind - the Lord was right there. Right there whispering everything I was longing to hear - I just needed to listen. 

I learned SO much my first semester. I learned how to live on my own, how to survive without my moms cooking, how to properly use Chicago formatting, how to bike across a highway, how to manage a budget, how to make friends, and SO much more. But, most importantly - I learned how to BE. I learned how to authentically Be who I am. Which sounds cliche, but in the wise words of the Mrs. Clause I worked with at the Mayborn Museum, “we are what we are. We have what we have. It is what it is. All we can do is trust God and move forward”. I am so thankful that I serve the Lord that ever so graciously gives me the loving “I told you so” every time I experience a breakthrough. 

Frankly, my first semester was hard. Finding community is tough. Finding yourself is even harder. But the Lord is so good. So gracious, so loving. So kind. And the best teacher. 

The biggest lessons I learned this year were: 

• the difference between being ALONE and being LONELY You really must own who you are (no matter how stupid that sounds) 

• You need to SEARCH for the Light and EMBRACE it. 

• It’s really okay to be different and have a different experience than your friends.

• ASK FOR HELP Success is actually really hard to achieve. You have to work at it EVERYDAY. 

• God whispers. Lean in. Listen. 

• Don’t be like anyone else.

• Don’t try to impress anyone. 

• Faith is RADICAL and the gospel is POWERFUL and there is no way we should pretend like it’s not that big of a deal 

• There is a HUGE difference between knowing & believing.

• God sees his promises through. For ALL of his kiddos. That’s you. That’s me. 

Oh, and also - in midst of al the school work and stress and future planning - don’t forget to have fun & make memories that will last!!! 

At first - I didn’t believe that Christ was enough. Now, I’m excited to start my next semester with the confidence that the Lord has a purpose for me - and that my time here is not for nothing. He is turning over the soil of my heart, preparing me for something bigger, and sometimes, most of the time, that takes a lot of time & hard work.